But for the alpha male archetype, I would be writing romance novels right now. Several years ago I checked out publisher’s writing guidelines and they said not to bother sending in manuscripts unless they included male characters who embodied dominance, socioeconomic class status with better access to resources than other men, aggressive behavior when threatened, and other such ambition-oriented personalities.
The problem for me is those personalities are highly UNattractive to me, if I am honest.
I don’t know how many people—mostly women—share my instincts, but I am quite repelled romantically by the alpha-male or the alpha-anything.
Power to me is displayed by the peacemaker.
I understand there is a level of excitement in those stories of being held by a man’s man for a moment, but that is a rickety banister to hold on to as you step onto the stairway of romantic bliss. There is another whole level of connection and white-out passion when you realize you are with someone who has opened up their heart so fully that you can feel the circle of blood through their arteries and veins almost as if it is your own.
That kind of mutual vulnerability—to feel one another inside out—does not require social status of any kind.
It requires two souls eye-to-eye. Heart-to-heart.
It does not require capitalism or politics, family systems, similar religions, or certain career levels or abilities. It does not require a social contract, marriage, gender, or any other of the myriad constructs we have boxed ourselves into in our brains. It can include any combination of them, but none are needed.
It requires being. Sharing. It demands vulnerability, not displays of power.
Now that banister is solid and well-set. If you can grasp it, you can find a way into an expansive way of living, indeed.
In this way of partnering with another (which I have done for almost 20 years now), there is nothing that’s verboten. You can play with any sort of energy you like—explore all those cultural paradigms, all the varieties of fantasy and conflict that come up in a relationship—but return to the basis that you are meeting spirit-to-spirit. Make something greater than your personality and your ego your home, and you will be happy.
Leave the requirements behind and open the door to heartfelt love. Let yourself be open to learning new things about yourself. Let the other person’s differences become the colors that were missing in the painting of your life. Let yourself be revealed as you are surprised at how you emerge in new situations you encounter together. Stay faithful despite difficulty. Commit despite doubt. See what that’s like.
The heart of romance for me has been found with a man who is at peace with himself and who has taught me to be at peace in the world. He has helped me to step away from my internal stories around ambition that were picked up like thought viruses from the world at large. They filled me with anxiety.
He helped me think better about love. I believe he is made of love. He always asked me to stop working so hard and to spend more time simply loving and appreciating him. I have come to know that he is so, so right.
An alpha male would be more interested in… I don’t know what, but it would be some other plot. So give me the wise person in my bed any day, not the alpha person!
I hope those publishing guidelines change soon, so more compelling stories can be told and sold.